Time to Break the Silence

July 26, 2008

This morning was the Prairie Punisher Duathlon in Gardner, Kansas. It was nice to finally complete a race from start to finish. It was a small race but they do a great job putting it on. Last year it was a qualifier for Long Course Du Worlds, but this year it was back to just a short du (5K run, 27.5K bike, 5k run). It was so foggy during the race that on the bike I only knew I was on a hill because it got harder to pedal! Thankfully, the fog also helped keep it cool. I would like to be able say that my legs felt quick and light but trying to turn them over quickly was a struggle. No more excuses, it's time to start doing some speed work!

My last 2 attempts at races resulted in DNF's or rather DNS's since I was not able to swim due to a freak nerve injury that left my right arm useless and my breathing restricted the week before the Kansas Half Ironman. I did not want to miss an Ironman event just down the road from where I live. My Coach, Karen Buxton from North Carolina, was even staying with me and doing the race. I had not swum for a week and Coach and I did a pre-race swim the day before at the race site. I thought I was having a panic attack but it turns out I just could not breathe because my intercostals were not working due to my nerve issue. I have never been scared in the water before. That night I tossed and turned knowing that I probably would not be able to swim, Race morning came and I got swept up in the usual pre-race prep and anxiety but there was a cloud of doubt. I rubberized and made my way to the start. When my wave started I was ready to go. I was proud of myself for doing several dolphin dives to get myself beyond the shallows and then tried to settle into a stroke. The first several strokes felt OK and then I realized I was going to have to slow to catch my breath. I slowed and then knew I was going to have to switch to breast stroke. I could not catch my breath and I wasn't even to the first buoy yet. I pulled off to the side and tried back stroke. It was not meant to be. I stopped to tread water and watched my wave pull away. Looking at the course in the distance I knew I could go no further without putting myself in jeopardy. I was not going to put myself in a position to have to use the water safety personnel and take them away from someone else who found themselves in an emergency situation. I turned and slowly made my way back to shore. A man on a jet ski came by to check to see if I was OK. I told him I could not breathe and he suggested I take off my wetsuit top to eliminate the compression...hmmmm...why not. I peeled off the T1 top (handy that I have a 2 piece wetsuit) and he would hold it for me. I headed back out and had the same thing happen. This time I turned around for good. I got my wetsuit top back and handed over my chip. The last of the waves were still starting as I walked out of the water off to the side.

I was doing OK until I saw my parents and Jeff walking towards the beach and then the tears welled up and fell. My first DNF in 20 years. I have always been able to overcome any nagging injuries and tough it out, but this time it would have put my life in jeopardy. Triathlon is about pushing your limits and finding what is inside you that you did not know was there. It is also about respecting those limits and honoring the voice inside that knows when it was not meant to be.

I went to collect my gear and ended up talking to Don and Kristine Herron who were waiting for their team swimmers so they could do the bike. They suggested I just wait a bit and then get on my bike and do the ride anyway. Wow, I could do that. No one would stop me, I look like a racer I just don't have a chip anymore. I had a blast just riding without any pressure. I pushed myself but also enjoyed encouraging the other racers. It was a different perspective starting off the bike at the back of the pack. I was inspired by all of the athletes pushing themselves out there on the course. I also spent the time trying to spot my Coach, Karen Buxton, as well as my friend Karen Yokley who came back from California to do the race and several other friends on the out and back sections of the course.

Knowing I was not on the clock put a whole new spin on transition. I walked my bike to my spot, took my time getting on my running shoes, actually packed up my gear and put everything in a large trash bag due to the impending storm. I loaded my pockets with my car keys and camera and slowly made my way to the run exit even stopping at the porta potty. I would like to know what that split was! I ran most of the first loop. It was slow going in that I was unable to take in a deep breath without taking several short inhales. I could only go as fast as I could get enough oxygen for. My car was parked along the course after about 6 miles so I stopped and got my stuff to head to the shower building I had scoped out during the run.

The dark clouds moved in quickly and I had to scramble to get my bike out of transition before the rain started. They ended up calling the race and stopping it early due to the approaching storm. Weird that I didn't start and many of those that did didn't get to finish. I knew I wouldn't finish but I felt for those that could have but weren't allowed to.

The next weekend at Hy-Vee I knew the swim was probably not in the cards. I had been looking forward to this race since last year when I strained my calf at the start of the swim. I wanted to redeem my performance. Due to the flooding in Des Moines the venue had to be changed and up to a few days before the race it was going to be a duathlon. I was so excited that I would actually be able to do the whole race since there was no swim and I would not have to DNF again. My heart absolutely sank when I got the news the swim was back on. I had tried to swim the day before heading to Des Moines but I still could not breathe. It was so weird in that as soon as I would submerge my chest in the water I could not take a deep breath. The water pressure doesn't seem like it should make that much difference but it sure did.

Listening to the radio on the drive I heard an ad for the IndyCar race that was in Iowa. Hmmmmm, I wonder where. It turned out to be in Newton about 30 miles from Des Moines. I called the chiropractor that my friend Libby and I have been going to the IndyCar races for Vemma with. He said to come on over and he and his acupuncturist would throw all the treatments they had at me to see if I could be mended. I ended up spending several hours at the Iowa Speedway getting pulled and stretched, snapped and popped, and poked and prodded. Between treatments I got to watch some practice laps (I just love the sound of those cars!), wander around the garages and pits and get an Iowa Speedway pin to add to my collection. I felt relaxed and limber but the nerve communication to my arm and intercostals was on it's own schedule.

On race day I knew not to even bring my wetsuit and I was thankful I didn't have to swim since it was a bit cool. I waited in transition and had the unique perspective of watching the race from in the pits. It was fascinating to watch the do's and don'ts of T1 from inside the fence.

Once most of the racks were clear I headed out on the bike and tried to push it. My breathing was pretty good on the bike and I felt fairly strong. I was limited again on the run by my stutter breathing. It made for a strange rhythm with 3 breathes in and 1 breathe out. UGH! It was amazing that they pulled that race off with all the last minute changes and I give lots of kudos to the race directors, personnel, volunteers and everyone else involved. The logistics were a nightmare to say the least but it was a quality race and venue and the age groupers and Pro's were able to swim and bike and run ...or at least bike and run!

I have to admit that I really enjoyed having an excuse not to swim for a while and I found myself pulling away from the spotlight of triathlons. I had won a free entry into my favorite race, the Shawnee Mission Triathlon in Kansas City on July 13th, but as it approached I knew I would not be ready for the swim yet and that is not a race I would be satisfied with just doing the bike and run. So, now I have two DNF's and one 'no show' to add to my record...YUCK! My arm and breathing have slowly gotten better and I still have some extreme weakness in my right arm with external rotation and overhead lifting but it is getting stronger. The worst was when I went to a physical therapist and he commented on the 'amazing atrophy' in my right scapular area and showed it off to some of his colleagues. There is nothing worse than being an athlete and having my body dissolve and not being able to do a damn thing about it but wait and hope the nerve regrows and refires so I can rebuild. A couple of weeks ago my breathing while running became normal again and now I am limited by my legs and not my oxygen uptake. I'm slowly building up my swim again and now just dealing with an arm and back that gets tired and achy. It felt good to race today and although I felt pretty sluggish I can work with that.

The next race on the radar is an all women's sprint tri in Kansas City and then Chicago at the end of August. I hope today can put some fire back in my belly and make me hungry to be competitive. I can't say I'm excited about bringing up the swim, but that is normal, so hopefully I'm back!